Wednesday, January 10, 2007

So it's 2007....
And the holidays are over, thank goodness. I'll go into THAT later. But right now, I'm going to get shallow and snipey. Mr. Blackwell issued his Worst Dressed List yesterday, and so I guess it inspired me. It's time to talk style, and being that it is 2007, I think it bears mentioning... And that something is... Mall bangs.

yes, mall bangs. Circa 1988.

We all know what I'm talking about here... They start very high on the head and are curled, teased and sprayed until they stand about 6 inches off the head. Often, they were worn with a poodle perm, but it was also quite common to see them with long straight, stringy hair too... This was the WT version of the mall bang.

This came to my attention this morning, as I walked through the cube farm to my office. A resident of the cube farm sports an outrageous WT version of the mall bang. (Please note that the pictures on this site are merely examples... None of them actually depict the offender I am discussing.) I'd noticed it before, but what really called my attention to it this morning was that (we'll call her) HJ had the rest of her hair pulled back in pony tail, which just really seemed to highlight the insanity that is her mall bang. In fact, HJ's mall bang is so impressive that when she sits at her computer with her back to the lane between cubes, her bangs are clearly visible above and to the sides of her head to all passers by. That's right... Her bangs are visible above and to the sides of her head... from behind.

Now, I don't know how old HJ is. I would guess that she is a few, maybe three, years older than me. I am thirty three, so she is maybe 36? My point regarding her age, is that for crying out loud, mall bangs went out in 1988!!!! It is 2007... That is almost 20, yes TWENTY years ago! I am trying to imagine being stuck in the same beauty rut for 20 years. Dear me. 20 years ago, I was 13. I thought merlot colored hair and fedoras were cool. Thank goodness I'm passed that phase. For proof, click the link. I'm the one without bangs.

I really wonder about these folks who get themselves stuck in ruts like this. I can't imagine wearing the same haircut that I had 5 years ago, or wearing the same lipstick shade. Twenty years? Whoa! You have to wonder if these folks have lost their eyesight? And why, oh why have their loving families and friends not staged an intervention on them? Would you let your friends walk around sporting mall bangs? I sure wouldn't. On my planet, at least, friends don't let friends wear mall bangs, or flash dance sweatshirts, or mom jeans, or Christmas sweaters... You get the idea.

Honestly, ***snarkeyness follows*** I really want to just go get a garden hose and spray down HJ's bangs until they are flat on her forehead like bangs should be... like my friend Brit's bangs in the photo I've linked. Of course, given the insane amounts of Aqua Net hairspray that the mall bang requires, a garden hose might not be sufficient. Maybe a fire hose.

I made a lot of new years resolutions this year. One more that needs to be made by all is to take what ever action is necessary to eliminate the mall bangs. Really, mall bangs are the female equivelent of the mullet... and I think we can all agree how much that needs to go. Yes, you, Billy Ray Cyrus. And if you are the one wearing the mall bangs, well, time to find a fire hose, OK? Before I do it for you.

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